Transformers 2: Revenge on my wallet.
Where to begin with this dreck?
I was kinda excited when the movie came out. I actually enjoyed the first one. Yes, I am aware that it didn’t have any plot, but all I wanted from the first movie was to see Transformers transform and make that cool noise. I got that and was immensely satisfied. I kinda wished that there were no humans in it at all but well, that wasn’t my decision.
When the sequel was announced my fist thought was, “Boy they better get some good screenwriters to work on this.” And they did! The dudes who wrote Star Trek wrote the screenplay (reputedly) for Transformers 2. I know the general rule is to fire the screenwriter straight off. It’s her baby and she may be loathe to change things that a Director wants. But that is wholly different than the circumstances that took place with Transformers 2. Who knows what the hell happened to this incoherent steaming pile. Even the screenwriters came out and said: "yo, dude we didn't write that crap" More to the point, who cares? Someone cared to the tune of 400 million bucks and counting. We were all snookered and Michael Bay gets to dance an evil jig all the way to the bank… again. I'm not forgetting or ever forgiving you for Pearl Harbor.
I read Peter Travers’ review after I saw the film, I was desperate to read someone else’s perspective, and his scathing account was both hilarious and wholly accurate. He too had enjoyed the first film for what it was, summer entertainment, and yet he was so disgusted by the sequel he didn’t even give the film one star. And he might be accurate. It may well be the worst film of the decade. But we both could be wrong. The theater I was in was certainly divided.
And this is not the first time I’ve been bamboozled by a Bay film. I went to see Pearl Harbor with two friends of mine years ago and we sat in the theater in the dark confused, and bewildered. We were pretty sure we were watching putrescence but no one else in the theater seemed to be having the same reaction. Then something happened in the middle hour of that three hour debacle that caused someone behind us to laugh. It wasn’t a funny scene, there was no humor, heck it was Pearl Harbor we were all watching. That really happened. But that person laughed, and another person snickered, and very quickly the entire audience had joined in on the wisecracking and derision. When we stepped out of the theater we swore to each other that we would admit to no one that we had seen that movie.
When I returned to my apartment from the theater after Transformers 2 I started to read the Twitter reviews and they were all glowing. WTF? Had I gone insane? What did those people watch that I did not? I know these are the same people that saw Iron Man, which was actually good, so what did I miss in this flick that everyone else caught?
This movie was so bad that even the little pieces deserve mockery.
Minutiae:
-Do we care about Sam’s parents? Does his mom need to have a stoner moment like a complete fool? HOw lame was that?I know this was done for comedy but really? Do we even care? The parents were completely superfluous in a movie that made no sense. That's hard to do right?
-The little Decepticon that tells Megan Fox she’s hot but not too bright? Wow, somebody really hates starlets. Why were women even in the film? Let’s take a moment to discuss Michael Bay’s usage of women in this film, nah, let’s not. That’s for his therapist.
Bang Boom Pow
At first I was just gigantically disappointed by how mundane it was. I was really bored, the movie is over 2 and a half hours long, (this is summer right?) but then I was stunned by the Autobot with the gold tooth. Seriously? If you’re going to be racist at least be racist in the 21st century Michael. The kids are wearing diamonds now. It keeps the Cristal cold. Keep up with your audience.
Enough of this though. Go see The Hurt Locker or, I never thought I would say this Up.
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